I stay up...

Well everything at the moment seem to swing from one extreme to another I dawned on me driving home (with my lights on) from the pub on Thursday night how much I've got lined up and the things I have to do before September. In chronological order...

I started this post what seems like ages ago and now can only vaguely remember what I was on about. I'm not in the mood and can't be arsed to write a jovial blog that I think this should have been, but instead add even more "emo crap" to this wonderful world wide web thing... It's brilliant don't you think, that you can write any old crap and anyone can read it, and everything that I write is crap, reading back through previous posts I can totally see where Thoms coming from, I'm so sad and depressing!

Lesson up your mind...

The last few days have been a bit up and down, not just on my part. Claire was really down tuesday morning,partly due to me i guess. So after Chemistry, instead of going to work she came home with me to have some fun and relax. We decided to do some cooking and snuggle infront of the fire. We took a long walk with Gilly dog up mto the Jackdoor to get some lunch and ingredients. We got back and after lunch and snuggling infrount of the fire, we moved into the kitching to start cooking, and put in the pie that we'd made before our walk into the oven. It wasn't bad considering the ingridents cumunitivly were 3 years out of date! We then moved onto the main objective, a giant grass-mere cake, we were half way through making it and having a really good time when claires mum phones. Not concerned with why she hadn't been at work and that she was with me cause she needed seriously cheering up, just to tell her to go home that instaance and see her, and not to bring me, even though we were suposed to be going baby sitting together. She then really really upset claire and acting like a child hung up on her. So i had to let claire go home in tears just like she had been in the morning. I arrived at claires a few hours later to go baby sitting, worried about the state claire would be when i got there i was relieved to see her with a smile on her face, even if just a small one.

Baby sitting was alright Osca was a bit more of a handful than usual but it was an ok evening, and afterwards we headed to mine for a well earned snuggle and sleep.

Wednesday was good, in the most, school went slowly with a very geeky but quite good fun four-way on Medal of Honour. After school I headed into town with Claire to hand my CRB form in, which was surprisinly easier than i thought it would be, i still wonder wether they should have passed marc's. We then went to the holy grail of reasonably priced clothing, that is Matalan, in search of some shorts for Claire to go climbing in. Instead she brought a pair of trackies, a top and we got to free mugs! Bargin! Tea was planned to be at Claires house and we managed to have it before we had to leave for climbing with very little hassel. That came when we thought that a very tired, 19 year old girl shouldn't be driving round the country on her own at midnight. You'd have thought a mother would realise the implications of this, but no, because Claire won't sleep well with me, it would be more 'practical' to make her drive 15 minutes out her way then another 15 min in the middle of night... Go figure...

Anyway, besides that little episode the rest of the night was really quite good, my hands knew I'd been climbing for 3 hours by the end of the evening. Having not been for about a month and a half my hands were as sublte as a baby's back side, and i can tell you they don't like being rubbed the wrong way! So by 10.30 my hands were cut, scratched, blistered and bleeding, well a sport isn't sport if it dosn't make you bleed! The ritual stop in the bar followed, but with a slightly more tonned down vonversation than normal as Joe was there, who shot off very quickly when we left. I eventually got home at about 12.10 and Claire almost asleep was forced to drive back home again...

I want to lift myself above the clouds...

I begrudgingly had to take the dog for a walk this morning, having gone to bed at 1.30 and not fallen asleep till at least 2.00, 8.30 seemed extraordinarily early for a Saturday. Getting out he house early in the morning allways makes me feel a bit more lively, and its a really nice day so I couldn't really complain. As I walked her up the road I had an urge to walk up a farm track, and in 18 years of living in troston I'd never ventured more than a few meters up it believing it was no longer than a 100 meters. But I was wrong, I followed this path for about a mile and a quarter, only turning back for home when I realized I'd dropped the lead from my back pocket. Being such a nice day I brought my camera along for the trip, got a few snaps nothing very special though.

My plans for today, other than eventually having a shower and going to Nan's for lunch, are listening to loud music and revising for Mondays Chemistry exam. I'm feeling slightly better about exams, having sat my penultimate one yesterday, Mondays is my last exam till February so at least I have a month off. I think I'm feeling generally better in myself because I totally relaxed last night, I did nothing! Just watched TV, chatted on the net, and shot the crap out of some Germans on Medal of Honor. Tonight Claire should be coming over about 6.30 and I'm supposed to be cooking dinner, I've been left to look after the house while mums at grandpa's and james at his dads, so I hope theres some easy to cook/edible food floating around. I would have liked to have gone to Wales with mum, because on Wednesday Grandpa had a stroke. This is just another thing on my mind, its sort of a sign to say no one lasts for ever, but bloody exams are stopping me.

I've had several interview offers from universities this week, but again I'm unsure whether I'm making the right choices with my life, but I guess I'll see how the interviews go and see what happens. It's all stress at the moment so I'm looking forward to tonight though so I can relax and hopefully have a special evening in, to get my mind of everything.

Low

You see the world in black and white
No colour or light
You think you'll never get it right
But you know you might

The sky could fall could fall on me
The parting of the seas
But you mean more mean more to me
Than any colour I can see

All you ever wanted was love
But you never looked hard enough
It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be
Living in perfect symmetry
Nothing is as down on this as us as us

You see the world in black and white
Not painted bright
You see no meaning to your life
Yes you try
Yes you try

And all you ever wanted was love
But you never looked hard enough
It's never gonna give itself up

All you ever wanted to be
Living in perfect symmetry
Nothing is as down on this Earth

Don't you want to see it come soon
Floating in a big white balloon
Or given on your own silver spoon

Don't you want to see it come down
Careful throwing your arms around
Saying not a moment too soon

Cause I feel low
Cause I feel low
Oh, yeah I feel low
Oh yeah
Oh

Oh
Cause I feel low
Cause I feel low
Oh
And I feel low
Oh love
Oh

I'm not exactly sure what I should say, Everything I do is a mistake...

Please lets not get into this tonight
See its easy and its what you like
Don’t call me foolish cause
I'm not I'll be the lover when I want…

Well I'm sitting in my wonderfully comfortable double bed alone... listening to some very thought provoking Jimmy Eat World just trying to relax myself. Life is very stressful at the moment with exams appearing on my time table and universities inviting me for interviews, let alone the other things sticking their feet in the door of my life, like endless forms for seemingly endless courses that I’m signed up to stripping me of the very limited free time I seem to have at the moment. I’m not even going to cadets to try and buy myself some more precious hours of these short, tiresome days. So fair I’ve battled my way through two exams leaving 3 to go, ‘only three’ you say, but exams begin to resemble the rest of your life when you realize that they are the only way you are getting into university, and delaying you from entering the world of proper work for a further three years.

Talking of work is been an angry word sitting at the back of my mind for a while now, I am broke, skint, penniless, I must be nearly £200 in debt owing about £70 to my girlfriends and a further £60 to a guy a school. Without a proper income other than the governments handout of £30 a week to my moth filled bank account I have no other stable income. I have £50 coming from a scholarship I attained under false pretenses and hopefully a further £100 from our generous Labor government for attending my exams. So hopefully by the end of January I should have attained £270, which should cover my debts and leave some spare change for buying my lunch! I need a job; I need to start raising some cash to go to uni, since I spent what was left of my life savings to pay for my laptop.

Because of the pressures of school, money and work I find myself tired and grouchy ever more frequently. I’m getting wound up with Claire really easily and other things that aren’t going just how I want them or am used to.

I was walking the dog today along the fields I noticed the similarity of the crisp winter wind draining the energy away from the batteries in my camera, then my MD player and how numb and cold my fingers were, I realized how much a need to get away, away from the grayness of life, of school and of home.

At the moment I cant see any escape things just keep cropping up, my life is almost all planned out until September, now that’s depressing…

I can't see nothing round here...

I'm feeling a bit... well as Spoon put it 'slit my wrists and call me emo'. So rather than depress you all I'll just post some pictures...

A Power cut.

How we left it...

...how they found it.

One of my favorite places.

The best part of a day... The End

I'm getting out and nothing ever shames me...

Well last night me headed to the bright street lights of Bury St Edmunds! Not to beg, or pay for sex as you may well imagine... To actually go to a restaurant for a meal... with friends! In all, 10 of us arrived in dribs and drabs toNazaa, Bury's best (if only) Turkish restaurant. Me and Claire arrived first, with Claire walking in the door and without blinking shouted out to a random waitress, "Your my friends mum". After getting over the shock, we were shown our table apparently by Mrs Green... Within 15 minutes Marc, JJ, Alex, Andy, Will, Jimmy, Ashleigh and Jenny were inside trying to decipher the menu's.
It was a really fun evening with a wide topic of conversation mainly focused on threesomes... I'll let you figure out that one. After stuffing our faces and eventually paying the bill we went next door for a pint, and a chat.

Was a nice night, have to do it again some time.